Friday, January 22, 2010

fast car

Here's what I want to tell you:

You know how certain songs have strong emotional ties to certain times in your past. And when you hear those songs you are literally transported back to that time.

You are in that room, you remember the way the sun and shadows hit the wood floor and you recall the drawings you had made and tacked up on the wall.

Those are my details. But I am certain you know what I'm talking about.

In the early 1990s I was a very young mother. I was living outside of Boston and a full time Mom to an infant and a toddler. I was barely beyond childhood myself. I was in my early 20s but as I look back I see how achingly young I was. So young.

I had a college degree in painting. But I did not have the self-awareness and confidence to really do anything with that. I was in love with my small children but also so confused by my situation.

The apartment we rented had enough space for me to keep a painting studio. And I did work. Most of what I produced wasn't good and it is all long gone now. But working on it meant everything to me. It helped me to keep myself in view. And I held onto it so tight.

I remember that I had this Tracy Chapman tape in my studio and I listened to it often. Lately, I have noticed that this song has been playing on the radio in my car; at the cafe when I pick up coffee. As I sat at the cafe this morning and listened to it I could feel that lump you get in your throat. I wondered if it was trying to tell me something.


astulabee/nicole said...

I love you lady!
and hear you fully. My daughter was born in 1995 when I was 6 days shy of 23.
Get painting.

Liane said...

hey nicole. thank you for commenting on this one. i had a feeling you would know what i was talking about. funny how you get a sense of someone sometimes from across the computer screens.

alexkeller said...

it's a fantastic song - reminds me of college and dreams and wondering. you'll figure it out. i have faith in you

my Trampoline said...

i'm there.

differnet time, different song, different circumstnces. but i'm there.

Liane said...

alex and kim- i like you. that's all.

kim said...

i hear you! i love this song, but it brings a lump to my throat too every time i hear it. it reminds me of the relationship i was in at the time, i was also in my early twenties, full of hope but also full of confusion and uncertainty. i can't hear it now without feeling a wee bitty sad.

Simple Dreams said...

I have several Tracy Chapman CD's and will be pulling them out as I listen to this clip to bring with and listen on my drive to work tomorrow. My son visited a couple years ago and mentioned that he now appreciates her music as it brought back memories of him, his brother and sister growing up to this music as I listened to it. He kept playing the CD's while he was here; I think he was trying to bring back happier times for himself of when he was little and life was easier for him. It's funny how music can stir such different memories for each of us. Thanks for the memories, Lisa

Melissa de la Fuente said...

Oh Liane...this is so beautifully written and I am with Nicole, get to painting. I for one would love to see your paintings....I remember everything about where I was when this album came out & I still adore this song so much. First year in college, so unsure of myself but, so full of hope and romance.