Wednesday, March 10, 2010

i really can't stop laughing


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock
broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the
abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

am i immature?



A Perfect Gray said...

maybe, but we like you this way. some of my favs come from church bulletins. 'Our church is starting a new mothers group. All ladies wishing to become new mothers, meet with the pastor in his private study...'

OK, so we are both immature...

alexkeller said...

good and funny

littlebyrd said...

hahaha! I love numb from the toes down and patient is circus sized. Totally hilarious.

Jennifer McDonald said...

Love it! And so much funnier that "Eats, Shoots, Leaves". It could be used to teach high school grammar except the students might not be able to stop laughing either.

VMR said...

I'm a nursing student, and I think these are hilarious. Thank you for a good belly laugh. I loved the one about rectal exam and thyroid gland. Ouch!

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying. Crying! I have not been so hysterical for as long as I can remember. I think it was the large brown stool ambulating in the hall that really sent me over the edge. Immature? I'm not sure it matters! Thanks for the laugh.

Pretty Neat Designs said...

Oh that was the perfect laughing fit! I like when they have these from court testimony. SO funny!

Re:Design Technologies said...

oh i so needed that laugh...thank you. xo penelope

breadandroses2 said...

Me, too - laughing so hard tears are streaming down my cheeks! It's healthy to keep one's inner ten year old alive and well and this did the trick for today. Thanks, Liane!

Arcadia said...

you have made my night - now i can't stop laughing. i must share this post with my friends!

april said...


astulabee/nicole said...

I keep returning to read this! so excellent!

Simple Dreams said...

I've read these and they are a hoot. I work at a hospital and help plan the annual national Nurses Week and have used some of these in a looping PowerPoint Presentation. There are a lot more of things like these funnies out there. When I come across them I'll send them to you.

Anonymous said...

liane, it takes alot for me to laugh - and usually wrong things - like someone tripping or something terrible like that, so this was right up my alley. and i did indeed laugh out loud (a rarity!!) thank you.

Square-Peg Karen said...

So glad my pal Lori Minick told me about this post - really got me laughing.

Once - when I first starting working, and was a social worker in a nursing home - I read a medical chart and gasped.

The nurse had written an awful note in the chart of this REALLY cranky guy. It said "Patient is SOB" -- and it was true - but ohmyword!!

Luckily I held my tongue (and didn't embarrass myself by asking about it) - I found out pretty soon that SOB stands for Short of Breath - jeez!