Monday, June 6, 2011

where i am









sitting here next to eli....where we are now.  he's doing some schoolwork on the computer, researching snakes, and listening to music.  first johnny cash and now devendra banhart.  "hey there little monkey staring at the sand, maybe he sees something i just can't comprehend."  the weather was hot and muggy for days,  rained some, and now it's just about perfect.  i've been painting walls, hauling manure for a garden, making things.

but what i was thinking about writing today is how i am here, where i am, but i'm still trying to locate myself.  both geographically and otherwise.  i was in one place for so long.  and so this new place is hard to make out.  it's disorienting and i wonder if i will always feel this way.  

there are flowers where i am.  and plenty of mosquitoes.  there's a good deal of quiet.  i've spotted numerous hummingbirds and i can hear an owl in the woods every night at dusk.  a luna moth flew into the house the other night and needed to be rescued and released.

tomorrow is my birthday.  last year i thought i was turning 44 for the few months leading up to to birthday until i realized i was just turning 43.  i was elated at the time.  i felt like i was being gifted an extra year.  and what a year it was.  but now the real 44 is here.  

i read recently that to the japanese ( i think the japanese....was it in the book i'm reading "kafka on the shore"or somewhere else?) that 44 is considered a lucky number.  i hope so.  but the truth is right now my expectations are set pretty low.  not to be a downer but to be real, tough times make you feel a bit foolish with your high hopes and wishes.  and back to the book i'm reading, i think that one of the reasons i'm so absorbed by it is that the message seems to be that we, in life, are on paths set for us ahead of time.  fate and all.  and that we can't really change course too easy if at all.  i never felt this way before but now i'm not so sure. 

i welcome your thoughts on all this.

that's where i am right now.  

21 comments:

ethanollie said...

i have never been accused of being an optimist. but i have to believe (i do believe) that each day, each moment is a choice. and the path we make, we do so with sickle and axe. and at the end, and in the middle, i want to take credit for every chop and swing

happy birthday liane. hoping this year brings you the gift of finding the perfect space

Jane Flanagan said...

I'm a "soft determinist" rather than a fatalist. I certainly think they causal chains are set in motion and we are swept up on certain paths. But I don't think it's all predetermined in a way we cannot affect. I believe authentic living embraces existential angst and a sense of choice, responsibility for our lives.

But this is pretty deep stuff for a Monday morning. Let's save it for Friday with a bottle of wine (I always say that, don't I?) Needless to say, I love this post... your tone is beautifully dreamy. I often feel that way when I'm reading a good book. Transported but thinking more deeply too...

Happy, happy birthday week!

joanne said...

i'm not really sure... but it seems like there are probably things that happen that we do have involvement with and therefore can influence via free will, and there are probably things that are just going to happen regardless of where we are or what we do...

the only thing that seems constant either way (and the thing we can work on continually throughout life) is our response to anything and everything, and how we choose to frame any event, even the catastrophic ones.

so, i guess with that in mind, any number, 44 or otherwise, could be lucky... or unlucky... all depending on our response to whatever comes.

... happy birthday :)

Mandy Behrens said...

i've found that simply being more present in the moment I am more fulfilled...whether it be a difficult situation or unbelievably joyous event...i am a wiser person because of it. i've also found that time is a healer. i believe that 44 will be a good year for you because you are present and you are there for Eli as well as the rest of your family. you create beautiful work and write beautiful words that we all get as gifts. all my best, always.

abby said...

We talk about this a lot - and we call them "bundles." It would seem that one is born on a certain bundle of fibers. These bundles continue to form as a person moves through life. Each fiber makes up a part of the bundle, and each fiber has it's own intent. When bundled together, all these fibers create a greater intent and a multiplicity of intents. These bundles are, in many ways, the ruling force in the path one "chooses." One can get off these bundles, but they have to be able to clearly see them for what they are. One can also make changes to the bundle, removing certain fibers, pulling others in. A real change doesn't seem to come about though, unless one jumps off the bundle altogether. It is hard to do if you don't even know you are riding on a bundle... but once you know, it's not so hard after all. I'm not sure if my language of bundles and fibers makes sense, but it's a real concept I have seen for myself, both within myself and within others. We do have a choice in life, but there are a lot of things that impinge on our choices - even when it feels like we are choosing. Once we are able to sense/see ourselves deeply/energetically, and we get behind these impinging factors, freedom becomes possible.

Sara said...

happy birthday. What a beautiful place you are in, and what a wise group of commentators you have. Enjoy what is "just right." 'Play' with possibilities of change.

radzimire said...

Happy birthday! Mine was on June the first and this makes me feel bittersweet about my life. I should have done better, I think. But most of the time, I feel happy. Today, I've read this:
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything".

rebecca said...

oh liane happy birthday. so long ago we were young and idealistic - kids really.

.... a wee poem.

days and days i have spent

trying, oh so hard,

crawling.

were they wasted hours, eating earth?

i live for the

moments

of flight.

so,

no, time is never wasted when i

work to fly.

liz said...

I think we can change things on our paths. Some things to change are obviously harder than others. A not right path can be not right for so long. I think bad things can snowball into more bad things if we allow ourselves to churn too long in them. But I think the same of good things too. And I do believe in a karma of sorts.
Happy Birthday to you Liane. Wishing you everything good and happy.

Jen of Country Weekend said...

I loved Kafka on the Shore. My favorite book of his is the Wind Up Bird Chronicle. I think it's good to lose yourself in reading in a time of transition--to enter other worlds, while yours solidifies. Gardens help too. And long walks which I know you like. And kids. And time. Happy Birthday.

abby said...

Happy Birthday Liane xo

Tess said...

I've mostly identified with determinism for quite some years, but occasionally I'm swept up in the possibility of randomness. Really, neither equates to much of a choice at all.

Anyways, I had no idea you moved. I hope that you love your new home and that it suits you. Did you get my email, by chance?

onesilentwinter said...

Liane i want to wish you a happy birthday.
i also want to say

you are where you are supposed to be
and this too shall pass

those two phrases i have heard often in the last year and at times i was almost bitter about those phrases, but they in time proved to be true.

but flowers, moths, owl in the night and working the soil, those can be magic to the soul.

No Carnations said...

Dear Liane, both your physical and mental state seem to be in a pensive, beautiful place. Walk...don't run toward the changes happening around you and when you are certain of your path, jump in, with whole heart. Your spirit is strong enough to carry the load and many others around you. Your words alone have helped heal me through this last year over the internet miles, and we have never even met. Have a glorious 44, this is your time sweet lady.

The Oak Leaves said...

Its a beautiful place your in, for sure...

I tend to think that I am in control of how I get there, or when I do at the very least. Ill have to wait and see if I actually do to gather my thoughts on the matter of fate though...

kerttu said...

Looks so nice.
And happy birthday:-)

Sara said...

hi again. this post also reminds me of the latest 'human nature/ evolutionary psychology' meme running around now. I agree with Jane Flanagan and Tess. We are complicated- pessimistic, optimistic: but the most fun is to see how much we can determine in our own lives, and maybe help others too if we are lucky.

jodi said...

happy birthday to you, liane! 44 has long been my favorite number, so i will wish for you that it is also a good year.

your pondering of fate, choice, and where we find ourselves in life reminds me of this buddhist saying that helps me keep it all in perspective. (or should i say in the moment) i hope its simple wisdom brings you peace.

"When in doubt about where you are meant to be, look down at your feet."

deardodo said...

Happy Birthday, Dear! It looks like you are in a good place on this day! Baby steps to healing :) Love and best wishes. Viv

tamerajane said...

I hope you had a lovely birthday, and are easing into your new surroundings as with much grace and nesting from the universe.

With fate, I think there are some things we can't change that shape us: race, class, gender, & some things that are very difficult to get past: like a lack of education opportunities, trauma, childhood learnings.

Beyond that, I feel there are better choices we can make, and that we inherently know what they are: but we dong always listen to our guts. If that path is 'predetermined' I don't know, more like a soul-river, and sometimes we try to swim upstream and it's just not as easy.

tamerajane said...

Um so many typos. iPad. :( though dong is always a fun typo!