sitting here next to eli....where we are now. he's doing some schoolwork on the computer, researching snakes, and listening to music. first johnny cash and now devendra banhart. "hey there little monkey staring at the sand, maybe he sees something i just can't comprehend." the weather was hot and muggy for days, rained some, and now it's just about perfect. i've been painting walls, hauling manure for a garden, making things.
but what i was thinking about writing today is how i am here, where i am, but i'm still trying to locate myself. both geographically and otherwise. i was in one place for so long. and so this new place is hard to make out. it's disorienting and i wonder if i will always feel this way.
there are flowers where i am. and plenty of mosquitoes. there's a good deal of quiet. i've spotted numerous hummingbirds and i can hear an owl in the woods every night at dusk. a luna moth flew into the house the other night and needed to be rescued and released.
tomorrow is my birthday. last year i thought i was turning 44 for the few months leading up to to birthday until i realized i was just turning 43. i was elated at the time. i felt like i was being gifted an extra year. and what a year it was. but now the real 44 is here.
i read recently that to the japanese ( i think the japanese....was it in the book i'm reading "kafka on the shore"or somewhere else?) that 44 is considered a lucky number. i hope so. but the truth is right now my expectations are set pretty low. not to be a downer but to be real, tough times make you feel a bit foolish with your high hopes and wishes. and back to the book i'm reading, i think that one of the reasons i'm so absorbed by it is that the message seems to be that we, in life, are on paths set for us ahead of time. fate and all. and that we can't really change course too easy if at all. i never felt this way before but now i'm not so sure.
i welcome your thoughts on all this.
that's where i am right now.