Saturday, April 6, 2013

louise bourgeouis

i've been wanting to "get real" with you all here on this blog for some time.  so much has happened to me in my personal life the past couple years.  but so much of it involves the people around me who i love dearly and i'm not at liberty to tell you my story because it's their story, too.  in fact, even many close non-internet friends are in the dark about what my life has been about.  have any of you had to deal with something like this?
one thing i have decided i want to share however, without all the personal details, is that i have been going through a divorce.   i know half of you, as the statistic tells me, know what that's all about.  and though every person and every couple is different, the universal of the experience probably tips the scale pretty heavy.  like all the biggies...birth, parenthood, death.  it doesn't matter the details for each individual because the bottom line is that for most it's life-altering.  
i've been thinking about this thing of having an emotional and dramatic inner life and experience but having to keep it contained so that outer and inner look nothing alike.  i wonder what the ramifications are;  i wonder how that affects a person over the long haul.  it gives me the sensation of not being fully integrated.  and while i know this blog is a mixed bag of sorts, it is a part of me and it's not simply an extension of my work.  i want to be my real self.  i suppose that's what this post is about.  i have always been a pretty self-contained person.  this question of what to share, when and with whom is not a small one for me.

perhaps it's just an extension of the overarching human experience, that each of us, in the end, has to make our own decisions, find our own courage, make peace with our failures, live our own life.  but i suspect there's work to be done in merging the two, inside and outside.  and since i'm a very private person, i particularly need to examine these issues hard.
when i was a child i did not realize my own power.  i did not speak up.  i lived so much in my own head.  recently it became so clear to me how little i changed as i grew and lived my adult life.  i'm 45 years old now, and i have finally begun to realize that i'm in control.  that i have the exclusive responsibility and right to navigate my life.  

in fact, i will tell you something (funny) that happened to me once in a therapy office years ago.  i was crying and whining and complaining and the therapist looked at me and said, you know, you have choices.  and i will tell you that i honestly could not understand what she meant.  

it's an epic realization.  i have a lot to learn.
it's springtime here.  i cannot tell you how much i welcome it this year.  i, and we, the people around and closest to me, have been through a lot of heartache.  the winter and the cold has dragged on.  it's still cold today and winter is still with me.  but today, there's a rooster crowing outside my front door and the sun is out in full.  i've started walking again.  i feel how the seasons get inside of a person.  winter was all pulling in, spring is bursting out.


rebecca said...

i check in here often to see what you are up to. i do not leave words, but my heart does linger. i think about you often and wonder how you really are....
i have been loving the poetry.
wishing you a beautiful day.

sheila said...

sending you tea and hugs and wine and blankets and flowers with my brain waves. life is crazy and sometimes it's pretty beautiful and sometimes it's pretty hard. I am the same privacy-wise. I understand that so much. sending you lots of love, lady. xx

Sonia / Cozy Memories said...

Oh my friend, I know I usually share personal things on my blog, and I am happy you felt the courage (or the need) to do so yourself. Thank you for doing so. It doesn't prove your weakness, it does prove your strength & courage. Although I am not going through this, I have 3 (!!!) online friends who've been living the same awful thing. I tore my heart apart for them, and it tears my heart apart for you.
On a different & lighter note, I haven't forgotten about our snail mail ... life's gotten so busy the last two months, but I'll get my act together this coming week.
Lova ya. oxoxo

Michelle @ Give a Girl a Fig said...

I love your blog...and your words...and now, your honesty. I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this...a friend of mine is going through a divorce at this time, too, seeing it up close and personal breaks my heart...for her, for you, for the kids.

One thing that is evident here, about you, is that you are real...and you love your kids...and yes, you do have choices. Isn't it nice to become who we are supposed to be? Even if the road is long and hard at times...xoxo

Brittan said...

it is brave of you to share a little bit of yourself, i am sure everyone who checks in here appreciates me (including myself, of course). It is nice to be awake and realize you are in control and have the power... sending you a big smile and a hug on your new "journey"!

kimberly wheat said...

Thank you for sharing what you did. Blessings to you.

little part (jen) said...

thinking of you and wishing you lots of goodness...

Mandy said...

I'm here for you. I marvel at your strength and courage. And I can relate on a feeling conflicted about sharing such personal emotions and details of life outside work/art. I cannot tell you how many times I asked myself should I share my personal life so that folks could understand why I hadn't created art in quite some time only to exhaust the possible outcomes and end up not sharing. I gather you feel a sense of relief or freedom with writing this post...I'm happy for that. Take care liane. xo

Anonymous said...

Liane you do everything well and are so original, you have a great talent and eye

Long ago a friend told me this:

there are three kinds of people,

1 those that know and know they know

2 those that think they know but don't

3 those that know but don't know they know

Nell said...

i too am a very private person, almost to the point of shutting loved ones out, and understand how hard it is to put the less pretty stuff out there. your humor and honesty are what i've admired most during these last few years of reading your blog. i'll never forget how hard i laughed when you did the post about your kitchen tour. so, so funny. xo to you as you move through this huge transition and for having the courage to keep it real.

Anonymous said...

my heart goes out to you, Liane
i am going through a divorce as well and I do not like to share my personal heartache with others.but it is incredibly lonely going it alone. i also have children (3) so i also feel i must protect their privacy. this experience has totally changed who i am. i am happy to know that i have choices and that i have more strength than i ever knew but there is a very deep sadness in knowing that the more innocent, trusting person is no longer.
you are not alone <3

Simple Dreams said...

Liane, Sharing your personal life online is not easy. You have the support of those like me who read your blog regularly. This week would be my 32 wedding anniversary, but I went thru a divorce 15 years ago. I have never shared with friends or family what date the divorce was finalized, it was sad and still is very personal to me. As a single mother of 3 I raised my children (my daughter was 12 1/2 and twin sons who were 8) who are now 28 and 23 respectively. I was a stay at home mother until the divorce, then had to work full time and did sewing on the side and with the internet (etsy) and friends am able to bring in extra income. My children learned when they were little that sewing is my "therapy" and became extra income. Having a creative outlet like you do will help get you thru it all.

As a teenager living in Chicago taking the "L" train to school I remember an advertisement on the trains that I would have never imagined applying to me, now does "divorce does not end a relationship, it merely changes it". With 3 children in the picture I had to recall those words many, many times especially when I had to muster the strength to make "head of house" decisions. My heart goes out to you, you can do it.

Another thing I impressed on my children then and still do now is to "enjoy what you have, while you have it". No matter where they were, with mom or with dad I wanted them to enjoy the moment. Having thought I would have been married all my life I have to remind myself of those words as well. I am an empty nester who LOVES my solitude. I go to work, to pay the bills. When I come home a the end of the day I enjoy my home and I savor the solitude, while I still enjoy my therapy / sewing.

My sons live in town and one was out yesterday and today rebuilding my chicken coop. I enjoyed his company and watching him work hard as a young man brings a sense of peace and pride that I raised my children to be likeable young adults. When you have your moments of sadness, loss and every other emotion that goes with divorce and being a single parent allow your creativity, good friends and beautiful children to get you thru. In the meantime enjoy a good cup of tea and sunshine....Lisa

m.e.w. said...

I love this post. It resonates with me personally and I can relate to many of your realizations and inner conflicts. But mostly I'm excited for my future, and for yours too. Thank you for sharing in such a real and eloquent way.

Elizabeth McMurtry said...

Dear Liane, bravo for sharing, I know it is not easy. All our hearts and minds are with you in your struggle - much love and peace sent your way, as Sheila says, with our brainwaves...

Cally said...

Beautifully said Liane; and inspiring.

Anonymous said...

Last Night as I was Sleeping by Antonio Machado

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.

abby said...

so nice to hear from you, liane. I thought you might be going through a pretty tough time - from things you have gently mentioned, and just a sense. I sort of feel like I know you after these years. I am also a really self contained person, aside from with a few very close ones. In fact, at a certain point in my life I started to make an effort to be (more) so - for a number of reasons, but mainly, interestingly enough, for the reason of exercising/finding my own personal power. But at this point in my life I am feeling I want to come out more, for that very same reason. Speak up. Say it loud. It's not an easy thing to do. New beginnings are a lot like spring. Wishing you a strong one with joyful bursting forth xo

Courtney Marie said...

This is really beautiful. It takes so much strength to share in this way, but I am certain that everyone who reads this will be touched in some way. I know I was. Thank you. Sending you lots of love and prayers for a vibrant spring season.

Anonymous said...

Dear Liane,
Thank you for your post.
I too, a fellow artist with an 8 year old daughter,
am going through the same thing. You are not alone :)

dirtbike said...

may you find the strength you need during this transformation. you are creator in this life! in more ways than you realize. always feel like you share what you need to. there is a reason you need to express yourself. your words always deserve to be heard.

love and light.