louise bourgeouis

i've been wanting to "get real" with you all here on this blog for some time.  so much has happened to me in my personal life the past couple years.  but so much of it involves the people around me who i love dearly and i'm not at liberty to tell you my story because it's their story, too.  in fact, even many close non-internet friends are in the dark about what my life has been about.  have any of you had to deal with something like this?

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one thing i have decided i want to share however, without all the personal details, is that i have been going through a divorce.   i know half of you, as the statistic tells me, know what that's all about.  and though every person and every couple is different, the universal of the experience probably tips the scale pretty heavy.  like all the biggies...birth, parenthood, death.  it doesn't matter the details for each individual because the bottom line is that for most it's life-altering.  

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i've been thinking about this thing of having an emotional and dramatic inner life and experience but having to keep it contained so that outer and inner look nothing alike.  i wonder what the ramifications are;  i wonder how that affects a person over the long haul.  it gives me the sensation of not being fully integrated.  and while i know this blog is a mixed bag of sorts, it is a part of me and it's not simply an extension of my work.  i want to be my real self.  i suppose that's what this post is about.  i have always been a pretty self-contained person.  this question of what to share, when and with whom is not a small one for me.

perhaps it's just an extension of the overarching human experience, that each of us, in the end, has to make our own decisions, find our own courage, make peace with our failures, live our own life.  but i suspect there's work to be done in merging the two, inside and outside.  and since i'm a very private person, i particularly need to examine these issues hard.

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when i was a child i did not realize my own power.  i did not speak up.  i lived so much in my own head.  recently it became so clear to me how little i changed as i grew and lived my adult life.  i'm 45 years old now, and i have finally begun to realize that i'm in control.  that i have the exclusive responsibility and right to navigate my life.  

in fact, i will tell you something (funny) that happened to me once in a therapy office years ago.  i was crying and whining and complaining and the therapist looked at me and said, you know, you have choices.  and i will tell you that i honestly could not understand what she meant.  

it's an epic realization.  i have a lot to learn.

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it's springtime here.  i cannot tell you how much i welcome it this year.  i, and we, the people around and closest to me, have been through a lot of heartache.  the winter and the cold has dragged on.  it's still cold today and winter is still with me.  but today, there's a rooster crowing outside my front door and the sun is out in full.  i've started walking again.  i feel how the seasons get inside of a person.  winter was all pulling in, spring is bursting out.

MORNING!

i'm looking forward to this weekend.   i want it to be a slow, productive, quiet couple of days.   i have faith that it will be so. 

i'm big on solitude.  i can be by myself for long stretches and feel perfectly comfortable.  it's in those times my mind slows down and i am most creative.  i need a lot of space and time to reach my full potential.

i remember reading about some iconic artist who happened also to be a woman and a mother.  i thought it may have been louise bourgeois but i'm doubting this now.  anyway, this woman said she was perfectly comfortable in the studio working all day with her kids by her side.  even then, as a 19 yo college kid, i thought, phew, really??  sounds complicated. 

and now i feel like i have to make all sorts of qualifications out of mother guilt like, don't think i don't love my kids and i'm not saying i like working over parenting and if you, my kids are reading, i love you to all eternity so please don't misunderstand.

i remember back when my oldest kids were maybe 4 & 5 years old.  they were 20 months apart.  and i rented a small studio space to paint in.  my husband was in graduate school and i worked part time jobs and we were broke.  

i often had to bring my kids to the studio with me and it usually ended in disaster.  i was distracted and impatient and frustrated and they sometimes ended up crying.   i left feeling a failure at both.

complicated, indeed.

anyway, my point is, i'm a person, who spent the last 20 years mothering, who really really likes her solitude in order to be her best creative self.   this conflict and this conversation is one of the biggest in my life i think.  being both things, a born creative with a bent for personal space and a mom, and not knowing how to manage any of it gracefully.

did you know i had no intention or knowledge i was going to write about this when i started here??  goofball.  but there you have it.  i certainly welcome your thoughts in the comments.  i always read your comments, by the way.  and i suspect that many of you are moms and creative folk so this may resonate.

on the work side:

FREE SHIPPING ON NECK WARMERS,COWLS, SCARFS THIS WEEKEND

go here

they're in stock and will ship out quick.

and i hope your weekend is whatever you want it to be.

xx

liane

deer and dog

yesterday, i pushed my bed up to a window.  this morning the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes was a brilliant sunrise.  this is just a hint of it because it faded fast. 

in order to take a picture i took the bathroom screen out, climbed on top of a chair and then the sink and stuck my head out the window.  in the process, i discovered this multi-colored metal roof on a hidden spot on my house.   mimics the color of the sunrise, the birches and the snow.  more roofs should look like this, me thinks.

i also woke to a vivid dream.  i was running with a pack of deer.  the dogs were there romping as well; general merriment.  it seems we were all in a large field which brought to mind not the woods but the landscape at a boarding school i went to one year.  i went to a lot of (different) schools.  i'm a gemini.  we are a quicksilver sort.

my specific heaven will include running with my dog and a pack of deer.  what would yours be like?

finally

a "keep calm" poster i can appreciate.

via

no trash

i'm going to follow this project and thought you might want to as well.

since my oldest son was born 21 years ago (!!) issues surrounding environmental responsibility, healthy eating, parenting and living have been important considerations for me.  at times it veered uncomfortably close to obsession and at others i felt so overwhelmed by daily living and hardship that these ideals seemed like luxuries.  wanting to do and live "right" has caused conflicts in some personal relationships and led to frustration.  i have wondered many times why it has to be so.  

but like most things worth a damn, figuring out the how and why is a process over time and it is truly a privilege.  when something is difficult i want to stop looking upon it as unfair.  it's an opportunity to think more deeply and challenge myself.  all of the people and experiences and principles that i hold close to me are worth this.  

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indigo

i was flailing yesterday.

what i mean to say is i was TRYING to work but nothing was working out.  

(hold on- the cat keeps meowing at the door but when i open it and she just sits there like, dude, what's your issue with opening the door??)

ok, anyway, flailing. struggling uselessly.  i kept messing up.  and i knew it was my state of mind and a vicious cycle thing.  the more i thought the day was getting away from me and the more i thought i have to be productive and pay the bills the more i flailed.

BUT, then, late in the afternoon instead of saying eff it and watching 5 episodes of "private practice" on netflix i womaned up and went outside and busted a move with the indigo pot.  

so now i have all that pretty hand-dyed hemp silk and stretch knit up there and as soon as this bleeping rain eases up and i can take some photos there will be indigo cowls and scarves in the shop.

lots of new in the shop with more to come later today

hi, hi, HI!

it's after noontime and i've had several cups of coffee and not a speck of food.  so i'm a little hyped up.  i'm also still in my pajamas.  don't judge.  

but as soon as i finish chatting with you i plan to hop in the shower and eat.  i put you ahead of fresh breath and a full stomach.  

if you were here i'd sit you down and give you the full inside story of my ridiculous past week.  you'd sigh and make sad eyes at me and you may even pet me on the head a little.  

but worry not.  i'm solid.  i.  can.  take.  anything.  it actually feels good to know this.

good morning.

my dog lola just chased a wild turkey away from my front door.  the leaves are falling and i don't know that i'm ready for grey and for cold.  i want warm and i want sun. 

there is sun today.  also, breeze.  i'm thinking about my kids, about bills that need to be paid.  also thinking about burden.  there are people close to me who have suffered.  i want to tell them they can be whole.  also, that the bravery they need to face trauma is within them.  and that we are blessed to be alive.  no matter what.

deep calls unto deep

did you know that dark energy is pushing our universe apart?

grrrrreat.

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also, did you happen to hear the recent fresh air interview re. the new apostolic reformation?

laugh?  cry?  speechless?

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does this image below make you feel saddish too?

on a perkier note, this picture above cracks me up.

i think it's the dude's posture.

i just wanna high five him or something.

then go for a spin.

xx

all images via

Josh Vogel from The Scout on Vimeo.

"it's much more fundamental than worrying about eternity...it's living..."

the bird and the caw

little bit of sugar, not too much.

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what's good:

dyeing old doilies and whatnot.

black painted cabinet from days of yore.

books, stories, fiction writers.

gps.

driving in cities with daughters.

when you pause to notice the weather, the air, the bird and the caw.

also, bobby pins.

did you know it's tuesday?

did you know it's even september and after that is october and then 2011 is practically over? 

honestly, if you are a wee new person on the planet (that means if you are 30 and under.  no i'm not joking.) let me tell you.  

that once you are, say, in your mid-30s every day and month and year seems to whiz by and practically give your old wrinkly neck whip lash.  

let me seriously tell you that.

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i will also tell you that i am about to get in the car and drive a total of approximately 7 hours this afternoon.  i don't want to.  but the other thing that happens more frequently the older you get is that you have to do things you'd rather not.  i know it seems like a major drag to have to, say, come in for dinner when you are 8 and your mum is calling you.  i also know it is a drag if you are in high school or college and you have to write a lab report for a science class.  god, that really is a drag.

but in all sincerity.  it gets worse.

boy i'm like a ray 'o sunshine, ain't i?

my intention was to write a nice rosey post to counteract yesterday's whining.

that didn't work out so well.

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ok.  tomorrow i will write something so sweet,  happy and optimistic you'll have to go and brush your teeth after.  

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ps- if you want a moose antler all your own i'm selling one in the shop.

i have a headache today that is kicking my butt.  it's making me want to get back in bed and watch my kerzillionth episode of brothers&sisters on netflix.  it's a sickness.  i used to be all like, i only watch documentaries.  but i get hooked on these shows lately and i need a 12 step program or something.  i am coming to the conclusion that in spite of my steely exterior i am really a giant soft blob of sentimentality.  this particular show makes me tear up on a regular basis.  plus i drool a little every time luc, the french painter, comes on.  

jeez, i tell you people everything.  it's a little embarrassing.

smiley face.

L

sunday funday

yesterday was good.

a friend came over and installed a window in my windowless bedroom.  the window was kicking around here leftover and is nothing special but the free price tag worked for me.  plus i bartered for the labor.  i got his sewing machine back up and running and patched up a few pairs of work pants.  all around very satisfying.

after the work was done we sat at the picnic table and drank mexican beer and ate potato chips.  the weather, perfect.  it was a day i needed after an intense week.  

i'm throwing the parsley and rosemary in the dehydrator shortly.  i'm trying to find something to do with fat and foot long cucumbers.  i'm patching some of my own clothes.  i very much like patches.

most things can be patched up: paint-splattered pants, windowless rooms, friendships and big-life road bumps.  even the biggest ones.  i know this.

i smiled when i found pictures from this day

 on my phone just now.

i had completely forgotten about them.

today is cool, sunny, windy but just so.

i keep thinking, 

how could weather be this perfect?

what if the breeze always felt this way?

eli and i went for a bike ride.  

he waded in a stream and said

it felt like the fishes were nibbling his shins.

i have six small windows in two rows of three in my house.  on one side the view is out to the woods.  on the other it's out to an attached carport.  not real pretty on this side.  so i got out a big pile of old thin cotton fabric i bought for $5 when i was at a fleamarket with alice last year.  i was doing some fabric dyeing at the time and threw the fabric into a pot, not remembering now which pot or what plant material it was made from.  it came out pretty much like a darker tea-stain which i am ok with.

then i decided to hand-stitch some larger buttonhole/eyelet type openings at the top with my favorite embroidery thread which is also hand-dyed and has variation in color which i love.  when all the curtain panels are done i will probably string it with some lengths of rawhide and hang with old square nails.

is this a funny little project?  most people will never notice the hand-stitched holes i've already spent a couple hours stitching.  and the end result is pretty humble.

but this is just the type of creative project and result that i love.  so as i work i think to myself, "only me."  which, when i think further on it i realize is not true.

the other thing i think about is how the impulse that makes me do this project is the same impulse that fueled my painting and other "fine art" projects in the past.  i spent time several years ago dyeing an old white sheet, ripping it into thin strips, and then hand-sewing the strips back together.

i also took an old white baby dressing gown, tore that into strips and stitched it back together.

this stuff seems both pointless and maybe even self-absorbed but at the same time of utmost importance.  essential.  at least for me.  and the reason why i do this feels like one of the most honest and fundamental things about me.    

i got back to new hampshire last night after maybe 22 hours of driving in 2 days.  umph.  i was on an errand as a favor to my mother so it wasn't fun and games but i did stop briefly at niagara falls.  astrologically speaking i am an air sign but i do love water.  i am not kidding.  as a kid i spent summers on a small lake catching tadpoles, eating peanut butter sandwiches on the dock, swimming across that lake and back.  i was a champion underwater breath-holder and i held the "bobbing" record.  i can bob until everyone else has lost interest and gone up to the house to play scrabble or out front to climb trees.  i can bob until everyone else has even forgotten i am out there bobbing.

we all have out secret strengths.

so anyway, re. niagara, we went to that spot on the usa side where you walk out right underneath the falls and we got sprayed like crazy.  i screamed like a maniac and periodically pumped my fists up in the air in triumph.  i got drenched.  i couldn't see or sense anything but waves of water coming at me.  it was a thrill.   afterward as i was walking back down the path i had one of those "we are all connected in one big happy human family" experiences.  i was grinning like a dope and all high-fiving the other people who had just been out there with me.  we were giving the dry people who were just walking out to get soaked knowing winks and stuff.  let's go again sometime, ok?

aren't these funny pictures of the horse sticking his/her head out of the trailer on the interstate?  have you ever seen that before?  it cracked me up.

go seek

love the shop go seek and these amazing product photos.  

these days i'm weary of collecting things and shopping and scouring auctions and antiques shops.  i used to be so impatient over the winter for the fleamarket season to begin and i haven't even been once this year.  i realize i need to just accept that i am in a contemplative and transitional  phase in my life.  i'm the same person but i'm looking in rather than out.  i'm stopping and i'm thinking.  

in general i've realized that i tend to push difficult and uncomfortable feelings away.  so i'm trying to just sit with it when i feel sad, off, unsure.  and i'm acutely aware of the fact that i sound really psycho-babbly and shrinkish.  but that's okay, too.  

my new favorite mantra is "say what you have to say."

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but anyway, the point of this train of thought when i began is just that these vintage items and the way they are photographed inspire me this morning to peek away from the inside to the outside.  and to appreciate the art of finding and presenting things you find beautiful for others to love as well.

xx

me

indigo/lifedom

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it seems to me that the process of natural fabric dyeing is a real sensual one.  

it's an active process with multiple steps which take time and patience for results and transformation.  i think it's something like baking bread from scratch the way you handle materials; the way your hands get doughy or wet and blue; the way you leave it and come back, leave it and come back.  

in other ways it reminds me of dancing till you're sweaty and your troubles are forgotten.    

or can i mention sex?  there are comparisons to be made.  messy and risky.

i'm writing this on the fly.  after several nights of vivid dreams chock full of symbolism and metaphor.  i'm tired.  i'm reviewing these dreams in my mind.  i'm reading into things.

but i can't escape the feeling that i'm standing on the edge of something.  a messy bed or a big vat of blue.

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